Damned Oranges
by SkeletonCops
Summary: Just a really short one-shot (yes, another one) with a random bit of Valduggery, and with a special cameo of a citrus fruit. Valkyrie, Skulduggery, Fruits and Valduggery. Figure it out.


Valduggery : The Right and Wrong ways to eat Oranges

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 **Has this been done before? I have a strange feeling it has been. Something close to this, anyway. Eh, well. Sorry if you've done it before. This one's not that great(like, at all), but I just sorta wanted to do something. That 'itch to write but whatever you write is utter crap' thingie? Yeah, that's the deal with me right now.**

 **This started out as simple fluff, and then kissing happened. Read at your own risk.** **Established relationship here, by the way. Takes place just whenever the hell you want, use your imagination. Real short, just Valduggery lovin'.**

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 **Edit, two hours later ; Scratch that, this is the most bleh thing I've written in a _while_. I can't do fluff. Or romance. I'm sorry for this.**

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"I am telling you, that is _not_ the correct way to eat an orange."

Skulduggery Pleasant stifled a groan as he looked over at his partner, who was currently 'eating' an orange, although a better word would be ripping it into pieces and stuffing it into her mouth, juice dribbling all over the place. Honestly, he was just glad they weren't in the Bentley today. If they had been, both her and that damned orange would be flung out of the car.

A muffled indignant 'Yes it is!' sounded in response, as Valkyrie Cain spoke with her mouth full and lips, tongue and somehow.. _cheek_ all tinted orange. Juice ran down her chin and there were bits of orange pulp and the orange's skin under her fingernails. Not actual orange colored skin, of course, but the tough covering of the fruit. It was all over her jacket too, which was zipped to protect the shirt under it. The jacket, of course, was one of Ghastly Bespoke's creations and bore no danger from the annihilation of the orange done by its owner.

The car was one of his atrociously colored ones, and he honestly didn't care all that much about it. That would mean he'd be cheating on another certain car. He'd never cheat on his lovely Baby. Baby being the Bentley, of course. Back to point, he shook his head at his 'Battle Accessory'. Beautiful as she may be, she had no notion of being lady-like. At all. This quality made her both endearing and yet, at times like these, made her look like a random grown-seeming toddler he'd picked up off the street.

"Valkyrie. _Please_."

She shot him a scalding glare, although the effect was greatly damped by her lips being a.. _lovely_ shade of tangerine orange. "Excuse you," she shifted in her seat to face him properly and he internally winced at the lecture he knew was about to come. "Can you even _eat_ food? Oh!" She snapped her fingers, sass and sarcasm levels rising at an admirable speed. "That's right! You can't. Because you're a skeleton. And skeletons can't eat. And gorgeous things like _me_ can, um, what's the word? Oh, yes. Eat. Digest."

He looked at her blankly as she opened her mouth after taking a breath, to continue with her rant. Knowing that it would probably be best to shut her up before she actually got into her zone, he mentally debated the best course of action. Before he could, she had already begun. "And so, I definitely think—"

 _Desperate times call for desperate measures,_ he decided in a split-second, and a hand lightly skimmed his collarbone, activating his façade. He simply turned, leaned over, and placed his fake lips over hers, neatly cutting her off mid sentence. After a few seconds, he paused, pulling away slightly so she could breathe, and she immediately started to continue with her side of the one-sided argument. "—that people like me should be allowed to eat their oranges in whatever way they please! In fact,—" He stared at her blankly, and she pointedly ignored him.

His eyes narrowed and he simply yanked her back and closer, his hands on the back of her head and running through her hair. After a beat, her hands curled around his neck, pulling lightly at the facade's hair. He moved away from her lips, kissing away the orange-pulp bits she's somehow managed to get all over her face. After a moment, he just simply rested his forehead against hers.

"Perhaps, your eating habits aren't _that_ bad." He relented then, looking at her dark eyes with his own light coloured imitations. Neither minded that bit, of course. She shrugged, hands still circling his neck, and occasionally playing with his collar. Ways to shut up a Valkyrie Cain were few and far-between, but they were present if you knew how to look for them. He knew how to find them. She smirked at him in response to his words.

"Mmm. Not if I have you to clean up." He rolled his eyes, and she laughed and pulled away. She looked at the remains of the orange, then back at his beseeching look. She pursed her lips, and picked up the orange and threw it over to a nearby trashcan, which was extraordinarily convenient. She did have a sneaking suspicion he'd parked close to one on purpose, but didn't mention it. She raised an eyebrow at the pure relief and happiness on his face, and he hurriedly wiped the expression off.

Valkyrie frowned, something occurring to her. "Hey.. weren't we looking for a suspect?" He looked at her. She looked at him. Both immediately turned -er, whipped their heads around in a highly undignified manner- to the building they were staking out, to see the suspect's car gone. Skulduggery immediately revved up the engine to his own green car, hoping to high-tail it enough to catch the Suspect's.

As they drove, she could've sworn she heard him say ' _Damned oranges_.' under his breath.


End file.
